I hate it when it knocks me down sissy. There is nothing I can do to stop it & it eats up my life. Over 24 hours of sleep & I still feel like I have been hit by a huge truck, although the pain in my limbs is not as great & my head seems to be clearing.
Even now it is still like being in the middle of quick sand with a head that is 10 times to big for my body. The sand pulls at my arms, legs & my spine making them heavy & tired...I have stopped fighting the sand as it just hurts too much to do so.
Fuck I hate it sissy, I really fucking hate it!!!
On the upside, I seem to be able to work my way through attacks at times, by recognizing the symptoms, removing myself from stressful situations & resting for only a couple of hours.
On the downside, I sometimes don't recognize the symptoms, or there seem to be none & then I am down for the count...pain, such bad pain & the inability to do anything but sleep!
It’s the taste in my mouth that I hate the most, it is metallic & thick.Nothing will rid it, I can clean my teeth, drink liters of water or eat, yet still the taste is there.
My head is filled with a fog that won’t lift & my limbs become heavy then start to ache & before long the pain is on me.Oh yes the doctors tell me it is a Chronic Fatigue that is attacks me, but cannot explain it, medicate for it…or CURE it!!!
OH sissy sometimes I think I have not made the right choice in remaining human, how easy it would be to surrender to the sweet darkness & float on the breath of oblivion that is your existence.To not feel the pain of humanity, to not slowly die with each breath that is taken.Oh my sister, it is only in my hours of despair that call out & wish for the un-dead life that you lead…yet I know that it too comes with many burdens.
I met a man, Joley!He is lovely.He is human as I am, yet sometimes I catch him looking at me a little strange.As though he can see inside me & sees the genes that are lurking there, below the surface.I wonder if he knows, that I have this deep dark secret within that could be unleashed with the whisper of a word, the call to my siblings, the bite of eternal life & the taste of blood upon my lips.
Does he know that bubbling under the surface of my skin is a virus that can be called to life so easily & will in effect end this life of mine & take me into a realm of eternity?
I wonder sometimes if this taste I get in my mouth when the sickness overcomes me could be a result of those hidden genes.Could the illness, the headaches, the limb aches, the tiredness, that horrible taste, be the genes crying out to be recognized, to be awoken?
Will the temptation be too much?
Can I face this illness & eventual death, when I have an alternative so close at hand?
My sister Joley, I do not expect a reply, I do not even know if I will send this to you, maybe it is the rantings of sick human mind...
Prior to any of this happening with the souls under his personal protection, Zak was already under the spotlight for behavior issues that were to be discussed by High Council.
[2009/12/27 17:31] Zak: your getting 4 of them
[2009/12/27 17:31] MissTeaK Magic: thanks
[2009/12/27 17:31] Zak: 2 of them are going back to there rightful owners
[2009/12/27 17:31] MissTeaK Magic: for money
[2009/12/27 17:31] Zak: no
[2009/12/27 17:31] MissTeaK Magic: come & give them to me Zak
[2009/12/27 17:37] MissTeaK Magic: Zak I have got to teleport to the coast to collect my daughter...your sister
[2009/12/27 17:37] Zakz: tp me
[2009/12/27 17:37] MissTeaK Magic: would you please come & sort this out
[2009/12/27 17:37] Zak: tp
Please note at this stage of the conversation I asked [2009/12/27 17:31] MissTeaK Magic: for money
Zak said [2009/12/27 17:31] Zak: no
The 'rightful owners' had already paid !600 for each soul, so I assumed he meant that the four that were to come into my protection would have no money transaction involved. It is abhorrent to me that a soul should involve a monetary exchange, however this is 2009 not 1510 & I must play by the rules of this century we live in.
I have since given Zak !2400 for four souls that I rescued, as he and six of his friends reported me to the authorities for fraud.
I have never frauded anyone in my entire life & find it hard to believe that my son would bring such charges against me. I admit by that stage I was very upset with Zak, however I did believe he was going to give the four souls into my protection with no exchange of money. I actually thought he had realized that he could not make me, his mother pay for this exchange.
When he then asked me to hand over the money I owed him I was shocked, hurt and disappointed, and told him “you said you were going to give them to me”, he said “600 each now”. I told him I was not going to give him cent after all that we had been through together & the financial support I had given him.
I believe he only asked for the money at that time because he realized how disappointed I was in his dealings with certain family members & his attitude in general, he could sense that something had shifted in the way I was treating him and decided to renege on his deal to give the four souls to me.
Zak & I talked for sometime, until the point when I muted him, ejected him from my private home, then from our We Are Blood lands. Zak is no longer welcome at the place that was once his home and has threatened our family with violence. He has made disguises and sent friends to our lands to retaliate for ‘his behaviour’. One day he will grow up & be a man, but it is up to him if he learns to treat those that love him with the respect they deserve, or continue to blame them for his doings. Only he can choose the road to travel, my time of guiding him is over!
My lesson from all of this...don't get too involved, even with your own children...it hurts too much & others don't care! (Yeah, right...after all these Centuries, I still have not mastered this one, don't think I ever will!)
Next part of the lesson...don't ever give financial assistance to anyone..they will as soon spit on you as acknowledge the assistance! (Can't help myself...always there to assist a person in need...be it financial, emotional or physical! Lesson duly Ignored!)
The Goddess shares her wisdom with me through my life experiences…this has been another life experience, one that will no doubt make me more weary but never less ‘me’.
DON’T TRY TO KNOCK ME DOWN, I WILL GO DOWN FOR A MOMENT….THEN BOUNCE BACK UP & GO BACK OUT FOR MORE!!!
Zak – my son has been released to the cold cruelty of the world outside of We Are Blood.
WRB first met Zak when he joined the clan as Zac Fanfair.
Zac Fanfair was very young & had much to learn. The family took him under their wing & soon he became a well known member of WRB. Although King Wincent & I were not his immediate lieges at that time, he called us Mother & Father & came to us when in need of comfort or advice.
Zac Fanfair got himself in some trouble and so I with a couple of family members assistance helped Zac Fanfair recreate himself as Zak.
Not long after that Zak left We Are Blood Clan and followed the demon Disdain along with my sister Joley into the depths of the Horde known as the Bloody RipeHeads. During this time Zak still referred to me as his mother & Wincent his father. We would often speak with Zak & he would come to visit us on our land so that we could help him through difficult times. Eventually Zak came back home to WRB, this time lieging direct to myself & was adopted as my true blood son.
Over the next months we as a family continued to support Zak through various situations, mainly revolving around girlfriends but also with much more serious issues such as those concerning abuse at the hands of others that called themselves parents to Zak. As a mother I supported Zak renting a house on our family land for him, giving him pocket money when he was broke and Wincent & I gave Zak !5000 towards the a special Amulet of the forces, that now protects him for the rest of his life. More important to me than any of these things are the tears that were shed, wishing my son need never go through the pains, being inflicted on him.
Wincent & I are not the only family that was affected by Zak...look around the family you will find a great many wonderful people, sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles etc that treated Zak with nothing but love.
Unfortunately Zak became spoiled and started having 'temper tantrums', becoming argumentative, being rude & obnoxious to family members, becoming power hungry, talking badly of the family, being overly competitive with other males (believed himself He-Man in the flesh) and speaking to female family members in a way that is uncalled for at anytime. A lot happened, the crunch being his callous treatment of my daughters, something I will not tolerate on any level at anytime.
At this stage I had decided to take Zak’s behavior to High Council to discuss it formally, as is the way within our family. I was of the opinion that Zak should be asked to leave the family for an indefinite amount of time, until he was able to see things clearly & interact with family members properly again. High Chancellor Phil had contacted me concerned about Zak’s behavior & wanting to talk ASAP & General Vanessa had been having problems with Zak for a few weeks. The meeting did not get to happen as Zak all of a sudden decided to remove all of the ten souls within his personal protection and insisted on playing his game of greed. A dealing frowned upon within the Vampire community, as souls are placed in our protection and there they should remain unless otherwise determined and Zak broke all the unspoken rules and broke boundaries that can not be fixed.
In my heart I am & always will be 'mother' to Zak, he is my son & I love him.
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