I hate it when it knocks me down sissy. There is nothing I can do to stop it & it eats up my life. Over 24 hours of sleep & I still feel like I have been hit by a huge truck, although the pain in my limbs is not as great & my head seems to be clearing.
Even now it is still like being in the middle of quick sand with a head that is 10 times to big for my body. The sand pulls at my arms, legs & my spine making them heavy & tired...I have stopped fighting the sand as it just hurts too much to do so.
Fuck I hate it sissy, I really fucking hate it!!!
On the upside, I seem to be able to work my way through attacks at times, by recognizing the symptoms, removing myself from stressful situations & resting for only a couple of hours.
On the downside, I sometimes don't recognize the symptoms, or there seem to be none & then I am down for the count...pain, such bad pain & the inability to do anything but sleep!
It’s the taste in my mouth that I hate the most, it is metallic & thick. Nothing will rid it, I can clean my teeth, drink liters of water or eat, yet still the taste is there.
My head is filled with a fog that won’t lift & my limbs become heavy then start to ache & before long the pain is on me. Oh yes the doctors tell me it is a Chronic Fatigue that is attacks me, but cannot explain it, medicate for it…or CURE it!!!
OH sissy sometimes I think I have not made the right choice in remaining human, how easy it would be to surrender to the sweet darkness & float on the breath of oblivion that is your existence. To not feel the pain of humanity, to not slowly die with each breath that is taken. Oh my sister, it is only in my hours of despair that call out & wish for the un-dead life that you lead…yet I know that it too comes with many burdens.
I met a man, Joley! He is lovely. He is human as I am, yet sometimes I catch him looking at me a little strange. As though he can see inside me & sees the genes that are lurking there, below the surface. I wonder if he knows, that I have this deep dark secret within that could be unleashed with the whisper of a word, the call to my siblings, the bite of eternal life & the taste of blood upon my lips.
Does he know that bubbling under the surface of my skin is a virus that can be called to life so easily & will in effect end this life of mine & take me into a realm of eternity?
I wonder sometimes if this taste I get in my mouth when the sickness overcomes me could be a result of those hidden genes. Could the illness, the headaches, the limb aches, the tiredness, that horrible taste, be the genes crying out to be recognized, to be awoken?
Will the temptation be too much?
Can I face this illness & eventual death, when I have an alternative so close at hand?
My sister Joley, I do not expect a reply, I do not even know if I will send this to you, maybe it is the rantings of sick human mind...
but tell me...
would you want to be human?
Yours in loving embrace
Cariad
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