The Colonel & The Barracuda

The Colonel is feminine, supple & graceful, yet muscular & strong. She feels empathy & at times irrational irritation at others’ stupidity…she does not suffer fools gladly.

She stands on guard at the great castle entrance. The wind from the sea whipping her hair as she watches over the lands in her protection. She is at attention, every sense alert for action. All is silent, all is calm, yet she senses the brewing of trouble.

A faint sound is heard & then a distant explosion. There is the smell of acrid smoke on the air & the sight of raw orange fire rising over the outlying mountain top. This lithe & amazing creature sees, hears & smells it all & launches herself into action. Whilst calling out for back up, Colonel Vanessa Harcourt warps into time itself & teleports to the place of presumed destruction.

She lands on the balls of her feet; her knees bent, her back straight, her eyes sparkling with excitement, her mages’ staff primed in front of her & her whip on the ready behind.

He is there, his eyes glazed as the fire he has torched mesmerises & seduces him into a world where he has ruined the land & the lives of his enemy.

“Barracuda…you slimy scaleless sea leach,” she spits at the young vampire fish man.

He is startled & confused, wondering where The Colonel appeared from & how she was able to locate him so quickly. He is still hypnotised by the flames of destruction & does not have time to arm himself. With astonishing speed & dexterity The Colonel lashes out & the tip of her whip snatches away the remnants of the explosive devices in Barracuda’s grip.


Webs of steel fly from The Colonels’ staff & engulf the Barracuda into an impenetrable cage of rapidly heating metal. He is young & foolish, loud mouthed & undisciplined, for all the damage he could do with his expensive & lethal weapons, he can do nothing against the experience of The Colonel.

“You power hungry whore, release me!” he yells as he feels the cage slowly rising from the ground.

The Colonel lets out an ironic laugh, enjoying the sight of this traitor flopping about in his prison, unable to escape her powerful magic. “You fool” she chortles, “you attack our lands with no provocation & then call me a whore.” She finishes levitating the cage & places it high over the furiously burning fireball that Barracuda has created.

“You made this heat upon our lands Barracuda! Are you now prepared to melt within it?” a little closer to the inferno The Colonel sends him.

“You wouldn’t dare! I am & always have been lieged to your General, do NOT call upon his wrath!”

The great controlled power of The Colonel discharges, her head leans to one side & smirk covers her lips “Ahhh, my little fish fry, there you are mistaken. Your liege is no longer my General & you have pulled at his protection for the last time.”

The cage drops lower, closer to the molten hot heat that begins to penetrate his bones & sizzle his skin. “Nooo, noooo...let me go free Colonel. I promise to never return to your lands,” he screeched in absolute terror.

The Colonel extends her golden staff toward the encased & burning Barracuda, sparks fly, wind whips around them & a howling can be heard from the distance.

“You bitch, you cow, you whore of a mother-fucker, what are you doing to me?”

“You asked to be released, promised to never return to our lands again, I have simply ensured you never will.”

The cage had turned to hard ice, water at the centre & there swimming around & around in circles was the Barracuda, turned into a tiny little guppy, no longer man & never again able to walk upon the lands that The Colonel protects.

He tries to yell & scream….”Bubble, bubble, gurgle, gurgle.”

The Colonel points her staff at the cage, swoops her arm around in a huge circle & casts the icy encasement out to sea.

“Good bye, my little guppy,” she says as she turns to slaughter the fire.