The Penny Drops – Monday 27th July 2009 (Internet Access Denied)

In the blinking of an eye the marriage was over…or so it seemed. It had actually taken many years for the decay to finally set in, to take its unrelenting hold on what they had believed to be love. Was it ever a real & binding love for each other that brought them together? Or was it the need of their children from previous relationships? Did she sense a need in those children nurturing that was missing in their lives due to the loss of their mother to another life? Did she escape from the reality of her own loss by believing their need was greater than that of her daughter or her own needs?

She sits & reflects on the relationships of her past & realizes her failing in believing in her own self worth. She realizes she has accepted relationships not because they were right or filled with love & caring, but because they were better than living within her own skin, better than facing the task of life without a partner to share her life with.

However she has always been alone, for never has she found a partner that truly cared for her, that shared or placed any significance in her feelings, beliefs or interests, that was willing to experience the little things in life that partners are supposed to share.

The partners in her life have been selfish & self absorbed, allowed to wallow in their self absorption by her continuing need to “look after them” – but who looks after her? Who cares for her when she has been sent home from hospital & told to have total care? Her mother, her father, his mother, her daughter anyone but her husband, who occasionally sneaks into the room with take away fish & chips & a cup of tea – his duty to his wife for filled – for who does not like fish & chips? I said the wife who really just wanted her husband to sit & talk with her, to show some kind of interest in her.

She waits until he has left for work & eases herself from the bed, the cut in her abdomen throbbing. She clicks on the kettle, washes a cup, places in it a tea bag & stares around her in dismay at the mess that is her kitchen. After washing dishes & wiping benches, she sweeps the floor, takes her cup of tea to her bed. With tears trickling her face she eventually sleeps.

He comes home, no need to be quiet; she will have been resting all day. No need to make her a cup of tea or ask her if she has eaten today…look she is all better the kitchen in clean…of course she is well again.

“Dinner?” He asks when he finally sticks his head around the bedroom door. He’s been home approximately one hour, but who’s counting? “Hi darling”, she says “Umm, some dinner would be lovely. What did you have in mind?”

“Don’t know?” he says “Haven’t you already started a meal?” He leaves the question hanging knowing full well she will respond as a good wife should. “No darling. I’m sorry I have been resting, give me a moment to shower & I will start dinner.” “Ok, don’t be too long it is getting late.”

Late? Late for what? Late for her to realize that she is being taken for granted that this man does not care about her, only himself? No, no, much too early for that. So early in fact that it will take another full year before the penny has finally not only dropped but rolled down the pavement, into the gutter & down the dark murky depths of the sewer.